Eight Years

It is truly amazing how much healing has occurred in the past eight years.  Most of it was from the grace of God....but a large part of it has been from Turner, Emmaline, and William.  My hardest day of the year happens to be on Thanksgiving this year, and I have so much to be thankful for. 

"The crucial thing for us to remember is that all that God does for us as his children is for our good. He is blessed in both the giving and the taking away because both are for the sake of our joy.

Often it is in the taking away that our true love and trust are revealed, which is a great mercy to us and usually for others. And often, in this age, the most valuable, most satisfying, most beneficial, longest lasting gifts we receive and pass along to others end up coming through the experiences of our losses." -Jon Bloom

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away; blessed be the name of the Lord.” Job 1:21

Seven Years in Heaven

We celebrated Thomas' birthday like we usually do and took balloons to the cemetery.  Emmaline was so proud when she shouted out "it's my brothers birthday!!" while picking out balloons at Party City!

I love that Turner and Emmaline understand their big brother's place in our family.  Over the past year (at different times) I've had to comfort each of them as they were crying because they "missed baby Thomas."

Thomas' birthday day was fun, but this day, his death day, is still hard for me.  It took seven years before I was able to work on his birthday, but I still need this day to myself.  Our life is crazy busy and wonderful, but once a year I let myself have this day to be sad.

"The Lord is close to the broken hearted, he rescues those whose spirits are crushed." Psalm 34:18 NLT

Happy 6th Birthday, Thomas!

Happy 6th Birthday, Thomas!  Has it really been that long? In some ways it seems like forever ago, and in some ways the years have flown by.  We took balloons to the cemetery on Sunday and tonight we're going to have cupcakes.  Turner and Emmaline are excited to celebrate their brother!

"Can a mother forget her nursing child? Can she feel no love for the child she has borne? But even if that were possible, I would not forget you! See, I have written your name on the palms of my hands."
- Isaiah 49:15-16 (NLT)

Five Years in Heaven

Today marks the fifth anniversary of Thomas' death.  While it is still a hard day, I am so grateful for how much healing the Lord has brought to my heart in the past five years.

Our church made this video about our story this past spring:

https://vimeo.com/162422920

At the time we had no idea William would soon be joining our family!  In the video I talk about seeing God's hand in the details of our story, and those little "details" have continued.  I love that ALL of my babies have November birthdays.  I won't have time for pity parties when we will be busy counting our blessings with birthday parties!  Even today, November 28th, was the day Turner and Emmaline were celebrating their birthday with their preschool class.  It was good for my heart to see their excitement and be happy for them today!

"He made us, and we are his.  We are his people, the sheep of his pasture.
Enter his gates with thanksgiving, go into his courts with praise.
Give thanks to him and praise his name. For the Lord is good.
His unfailing love continues forever, and his faithfulness continues to each generation."
- Psalm 100:3-5 (NLT)

Happy Birthday Thomas!

We can't believe you would be FIVE today! We love you and miss you!

Baby William

We are so excited to announce the birth of our precious William Shepard Behm, born November 1st at 6:20am.  He weighed 7lb 15oz, and was 20.5" long.  He is such a joy! Turner and Emmaline are loving their new roles as big brother and big sister.  

We wondered who he would look like throughout the pregnancy.  He never was very cooperative with his ultrasounds!! Turner and Emmaline look so different, it was anyone's guess! He ended up looking most like his brother Thomas, which we weren't expecting! What a gift to be able to get glimpses of Thomas as we watch William grow up!

We are so grateful for this little blessing!

"I came so they can have real and eternal life, more and better life than they ever dreamed of."
-John 10:10 (The Message)

Four Years Later

It is hard to believe that four years have passed.   Today marks the end of Thomas' two week anniversary......and it brings with it sadness, sweet memories, and a sense of relief.  These two weeks are exhausting to me.  

We took Turner and Emmaline out to the cemetery on Thomas' birthday and again today.  They are so cute.....they shout "Baby Thomas!!" when we get there and run around giggling. (Meanwhile I'm cringing and hoping we don't offend anyone.)   They know their brother's name and point out pictures of him around the house....."baby Thomas......big brother."  It is precious. 

It is important to me that Turner and Emmaline know about their big brother.  His little life has impacted so many of us, and I'm so thankful for that.  I know I'm a different parent than I would have been otherwise.   I hope I'm a better mother.  I probably worry too much and take too many pictures, but I'm also more patient and grateful.  I think it has made me a better doctor and a more compassionate friend.   

I love tangible reminders of my son's life......pictures, hearing his name, his booties and stuffed owl in the nursery....even subtle things like realizing I would have responded to a situation differently "before" Thomas.  

God is truly able to use all things for our good and His glory.  

Colossians 1:10-12 (The Message)

"Be assured that from the first day we heard of you, we haven't stopped praying for you, asking God to give you wise minds and spirits attuned to his will, and so acquire a thorough understanding of the ways in which God works.  We pray that you'll live well for the Master, making him proud of you as you work hard in his orchard.  As you learn more and more how God works, you will learn how to do your work.  We pray that you'll have the strength to stick it out over the long haul-- not the grim strength of gritting your teeth but the glory-strength God gives.  It is strength that endures the unendurable and spills over into joy, thanking the Father who makes us strong enough to take part in everything bright and beautiful that he has for us."

Happy 3rd Birthday Thomas!

The first two years after Thomas died went by painfully slowly.  This past year, though,  has been a wonderful blur. I can't believe Thomas would have been three years old today!

Would he love Spiderman and superheroes? Or trains or dinosaurs?  What a joy it would have been to watch him grow up!

I'm so grateful to catch glimpses of Thomas in his little brother and sister.  I know they would have loved him.

"But we are looking forward to the new heavens and new earth he has promised, a world filled with God's righteousness."  2 Peter 3:13 NLT

Six Months

I feel like I blinked and now the babies are six months old!

They are such a joy, and we are having so much fun!   They were definitely worth the wait.  They have been really good, happy babies, and I am so grateful!

I try to take pictures on their "birthday" each month- so here is a long overdue update:

One month:

Two months:

Three months:

Four months:

Five months:

Six months:

Shortly after we lost Thomas, I became friends with a woman in Atlanta who had lost her son to congenital heart disease, too.  She has been, and still is, a source of wisdom and encouragement to me! I remember telling her how helpful it was to see someone "on the other side" of grief who was doing ok.  She responded by saying they were "so much better than ok." It was hard to even imagine that at the time.  I know several people who have lost babies recently, and I hope our story can be an encouragement to them as well.    By the grace of God, we are also so much better than ok!

"I pray that God, the source of hope, will fill you completely with joy and peace because you trust in Him.  Then you will overflow with confident hope through the power of the Holy Spirit." 

Romans 15:13 NLT

November 28th- Two Years Later

God has an amazing way of redeeming things, and He is redeeming our story down to the smallest details.  His goodness and faithfulness have been so obvious over the past two years, and November 28th, 2013 was the ultimate example.

Thomas died two years ago on November 28th. This year, November 28th was Thanksgiving day, and we were able to bring our precious Turner and Emmaline home from the hospital!  Last time we left the hospital empty handed, and this time we left with our hearts and hands full to overflowing.   We did stop by the cemetery on the way home so the babies could visit their big brother.

I never in a million years would have guessed that this was the plan for us.  Even the details of the timing are just too much to take in. My heart is so full with gratitude to God for Turner and Emmaline that it might burst.  They are such a joy.  Each time I wake up and see them in their little bassinets I just have to pinch myself.  We have TWO babies at home! It is truly more than we could have asked or imagined.

"We tend, however, to divide our past into good things to remember with gratitude and painful things to accept or forget.  This way of thinking, which at first glance seems quite natural, prevents us from allowing our whole past to be the source from which we live our future.  It locks us into a self-involved focus on our gain or comfort.  It becomes a way to categorize, and in a way, control.  Such an outlook becomes another attempt to avoid facing our suffering.  Once we accept this division, we develop a mentality in which we hope to collect more good memories than bad memories, more things to be glad about than things to be resentful about, more things to celebrate than to complain about.  Gratitude in its deepest sense means to live life as a gift to be received thankfully.  And true gratitude embraces all of life: the good and the bad, the joyful and the painful, the holy and the not-so-holy.  We do this because we become aware of God's life, God's presence in the middle of all that happens."
(Henri Nouwen, Turn my Mourning into Dancing)

"For in our suffering, not apart from it, Jesus enters our sadness, takes us by the hand, pulls us gently to stand, and invites us to dance.  We find the way to pray, as the psalmist did, "You have turned my mourning into dancing" (Psalm 30:11), because at the center of our grief we find the grace of God. "(Henri Nouwen, Turn my Mourning into Dancing)

Turner and Emmaline are here!

Turner and Emmaline were born on Tuesday, November 26th! They are so precious, and we are so in love with them! Turner weighed 6lb 3oz, and she was 5lb 14oz.  We were able to go home from the hospital after two days, and they've been doing great.   I'm loving being at home, and have been soaking up every minute with them. After the frenzy of the past few months, I'm finally getting the quiet time with them I've been craving this whole time.  It is wonderful! TJ is such a good Daddy!  He has become a master diaper changer, swaddler, and feeder!  It is so cute to see him with the babies.

Happy Birthday Thomas!

Thomas was born two years ago today!  In some ways, it seems like yesterday.  In other ways, it seems foggy, like it was forever ago or a dream of some kind.  Regardless,  I love that precious boy and miss him every minute of every day.  I am so grateful for him, and so proud to be his mother.

We both took the day off of work, so it has been nice to be together to remember and celebrate our sweet Thomas.  We took balloons out to the cemetery again.  However, due to purchasing our balloons at the sketchy Kroger where no one knew how to blow up a balloon or tie a string onto one, only one balloon actually made it to the cemetery.

This year has been different.  Last year I was dreading November and acutely aware of what I was doing at this time the year before.  This year I am still sad, of course, but it is softer.  I know what to expect now from these hard days so they aren't as intimidating.  I also know that our anticipation and excitement for Turner and Emmaline have been a huge part of my healing.  I am so grateful to be their mother too.....and can't wait (ok, CAN wait 2-3 weeks) for them to be here!

Thanks so much for all of your thoughts, prayers, texts, and messages today.  We are so blessed to have so many people remember our sweet Thomas on his birthday!

"Let your unfailing love surround us, Lord, for our hope is in you alone." Psalm 33:22

Still Cooking!

I'll be 32 weeks pregnant this week.  The weeks have been flying by! Except for a brief episode of preterm labor at 24 weeks, things have been relatively uneventful and I've been feeling great. The babies are getting bigger! Last week they were 3lb 9oz, and 3lb 14oz already!  After this week they should each gain about a 1/2 lb per week. They didn't mention how much I'll be gaining per week! Ha!

We named the babies over the summer.  It was hard so hard to decide! We knew we wanted our boy to have Thomas' initials.  We had so many beautiful things that were monogrammed for Thomas that he was never able to use, so it will be really special to use them for our second son.  We finally decided on Turner Andrew Behm.   We named "her" Emmaline Allen Behm, so she shares her big brother's middle name.  They each have something special from Thomas!

Everything has been great with the babies, but with our history and my advanced maternal age (34!) we get to go to the perinatologist frequently for appointments.  As TJ says, I have an ultrasound addiction, so I don't mind at all!  It has been fun to see our babies' different personalities from the beginning.  At our 20 week anatomy ultrasound Turner was flailing around like a wild thing, kicking his sister in the head the entire time! It is a little disconcerting that I can't even protect her from her brother in the womb. We kept having to come back to measure different things because he was moving so much.  Emmaline, on the other hand, had her ankles crossed and her hands up under her chin.  It was like she was posing for portraits! Her head kept bobbing as her brother kicked her....poor thing!

They have continued to show their funny little personalities.  She is breech, and her movements are more gentle, he is vertex and kicks me in the ribs all day! She also has the hiccups all the time!  Turner's head is really low and he is facing my back, so we aren't usually able to get any pictures of his face.  Each week i leave with a whole strip of pictures of Emmaline's face, and one token picture of Turner's private parts....its all he's ever willing to show off!  (I predict he's going to be a mess!)

This pregnancy has already brought us so much joy, and it has brought so much healing to my heart.  I still find myself a little guarded though.....I don't know that I'll ever be able to just assume everything will be ok.   We aren't out of the woods yet from a prematurity standpoint, so each day they are still in my belly is a good day.  Its hard not to worry about all the potential complications that could arise if they were born early.  I am honestly surprised each week that I'm still pregnant, and so grateful.  Overall this pregnancy has been a joy and a blessing.   It has been so much fun to prepare for the babies!  I guess for me its not going to seem "real" until we bring them home.  I know it is going to be absolutely crazy with twin newborns at home, and I can't wait!

"He will once again fill your mouth with laughter and your lips with shouts of joy." Job 8:21, NLT

Double Blessings

God is good, and He is funny....
We are expecting TWINS in December!!!

We are overjoyed and overwhelmed and humbled and grateful.  But mostly we are excited!

It's still a little early to say for sure, but they think we are having a boy and a girl.
We would be thrilled with any gender combination, but I think a boy and a girl is going to be wonderful.  

The past two years have been hard, but God has been so faithful.   I look back to how far we have come from the depths of grief to now....and it is truly a miracle.  I can honestly say that God's grace has carried us through the past two years.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen!" (Ephesians 3:20-21, NIV)

"Never Once" by Matt Redman

"Scars and struggles on the way,
But with joy our hearts can say,
Never once did we ever walk alone,
Carried by your constant grace,
Held within Your perfect peace,
Never once, no, we never walk alone."

Look who is ready for Christmas!

The Other First Anniversary

Thomas died one year ago tonight.  November 28th, 2011 will always be the worst, most terrifying night of my life.

I have to be honest....today was hard.

It was nice, though, to have a day to plow through the memories and sadness, and to "honor my grief".  The weather was cold and dreary, which was fitting.  I went to the cemetery, looked at pictures, and looked at Thomas's box of things from the hospital.  I also read through the blog for the first time.  I enjoyed reading about the good days, but it was hard to relive the dark days.

It was a hard day, but a good day.  My tears were there, but not constant.  I am so glad that this year of firsts is over.  There are no more days to dread.  I can already tell I am feeling calmer.  November will always be a tough month, but at least I will know what to expect.

I am comforted by the fact that my worst night was Thomas's best night.....his first night in heaven.  God is so good, and I am truly amazed when I think about how much healing has occurred in my heart over the past year.  When people ask how we are doing, I can honestly say we are doing well.  God's grace is truly enough for each day.

"The minute I said 'I'm slipping, I'm falling,' your love, God, took hold and held me fast.  When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up."
Psalm 94:18-19 The Message

"This is what is compelling about the cross: its two aspects of suffering and glory.  Christ suffered in the extreme for us, and by his suffering he assured that two things will happen to our suffering: First, it will have meaning when linked through prayer to the cross.  Second, it will be over.  A better day is coming: new heavens and a new earth, new bodies, unbent, unbroken, unstained by tears.  This is our hope.  We are not meant for death and sorrow but for life and joy." A Grief Unveiled, Gregory Floyd

First Birthday

Thomas was born a year ago today!  It's crazy to think our sweet boy would have been one!

We have decided that even though we are sad he's not here, we are going to celebrate today.  We are going to celebrate the birth of our first child, our only son.  We are going to be grateful for that precious baby who made us parents.  His two weeks were a gift, and for that we are thankful.

While I have been anxious in anticipation of today, I have felt a peace that only God can give.   I have been overwhelmed by all of the emails, texts, cards, and thoughtful gifts.  Thank you for blessing us, and thank you for celebrating Thomas's sweet life with us.

I have been able to smile and laugh a little today too, which has been good.   And of course I have cried.  How could you tie birthday balloons to your child's gravestone without crying?   We were able to find humor in the awfulness of it all, though.  I was trying to take a picture, and TJ was trying to wrangle the balloons in the wind.  We were fussing trying to get things "just right," like we probably would at a real birthday party.   It was one of those "What on earth are we doing? Whose life is this, again?" moments.

But its ok. This is our family, and this is our story.  And we are so proud to have Thomas as a part of it!

"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy." 2 Corinthians 6:10, NLT

(Bitter)Sweet November

How in the world has it almost been a YEAR?

Last year was focused on November as we faced Thomas's birth with excitement, hope, and fear.
This year I've been focusing on November, but with dread instead of excitement.

I think my biggest fear of November is the unknown.  I don't know how I'm going to feel.  I may be a basketcase or I may be fine.   Probably a little mix of both, fluctuating without warning. (I have a tendency to be "fragile," if you ask my husband!) I have come so far from those dark early days and weeks of grief.  I'm scared to "go there" again, because it really, really hurts.  Obviously some days will be harder than others.   So far the days leading up to a big day have been worse than the actual day, and I hope that holds true as we face the first anniversary of our two weeks with Thomas.

While I am nervous for myself  for November, I can say that I am at peace with Thomas's part in the story of our lives.  That sweet baby was the biggest blessing I have ever received in my life.  Even though I am a bit of a wreck now because of it all, it is ok.  November will always be a special month to me.


So for now, I would appreciate your prayers for me, and your patience with me.
Please pray for peace for our hearts and for continued healing.
Please be patient with me as we face this hard time of year.  I may be a wreck.  I may not return calls or emails in a timely manner.  I may update the blog, and I may not.  I'll probably be a bad friend.  I may want to talk about it, and I may not.  I'm not making any plans for November because the thought of anything extra (besides work) makes me feel overwhelmed and panicky. I'm going to need time to be by myself.

I love this passage from Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff:

"'Put your hand into my wounds,' said the risen Jesus to Thomas, 'and you will know who I am.' The wounds of Christ are his identity. They tell us who he is. He did not lose them. They went down into the grave with him and they came up with him- visible, tangible, palpable.  Rising did not remove them.  He, who broke the bonds of death kept his wounds.

To believe in Christ's rising from the grave is to accept it as a sign of our own rising from our graves.  If for each of us it was our destiny to be obliterated, and for all of us together it was our destiny to fade away without a trace, then not Christ's rising but my dear son's early dying would be the logo of our fate.

Slowly I begin to see that there is something more as well.  To believe in Christ's rising and death's dying is also to live with the power and the challenge to rise up now from all our dark graves of suffering love.  If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not deepened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified, if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won.  Then death, be proud.

So I shall struggle to live the reality of Christ's rising and death's dying.  In my living, my son's dying will not be the last word.  But as I rise up, I bear the wounds of his death.  My rising does not remove them. They mark me. If you want to know who I am, put your hand in."

Thank you all for grieving with me, and for not being afraid to "put your hands in."

The Last Big Thing

I arrived at the cemetery yesterday to a nice surprise- Thomas's gravestone had been set!  Picking out the stone was the last big thing on the list of dreadful tasks we have had to do over the past nine months.  I'm so relieved to have it done!

Initially I could barely handle going to the cemetery, much less pick out a gravestone.  It all seemed too cold, too hard, and too final.  Now the cemetery is part of my routine, and I go 2-3 times a week.  I keep flowers by Thomas's grave, so I usually go visit and water them.   Over the past few weeks my perspective has shifted.  Instead of being upset about picking out a gravestone, I was upset that he didn't have one yet!  This whole grieving process is such a roller coaster!

I think I'm as pleased as I ever could be with a gravestone belonging to my baby.  I love it.  Our family stone will be ready in the next few months, and I'm looking forward to that, too.

The verse we chose for Thomas's epitaph is "I, the Lord, made you, and I will not forget you." Isaiah 44:21 (NLT).  The Lord had a hand in every minute of Thomas's life, just as He does in ours.

The 5th of July

This time last year I was enjoying a wonderfully easy pregnancy.  We were so excited about Thomas! We were working on his nursery and dreaming about his future.

I remember July 5th vividly.....down to what I was wearing. The workmen had come to hang a fan in the nursery that morning.  TJ came home from work to pick me up so we could ride together to our 20 week ultrasound.  My Mom was going to meet us there....she had really wanted to see Thomas in an ultrasound so I had invited her along.   I remember TJ's comment that he was nervous before we left.  I blew it off...being nervous hadn't crossed my mind.  This was unusual since I'm the worrier of the relationship, but I was just excited to see more pictures of our baby.

We went in for our ultrasound, and things were progressing as usual, initially.  I started to notice a discrepancy between his size and my dates, however.  Then I noticed the tech spending a long time on his heart.  I asked what was wrong, and she said she was having trouble finding a four-chamber view of his heart.  She called for my doctor, and I started to panic.  We were given our preliminary diagnosis of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and were scheduled to see the perinatologist (high risk OB) later that day.

I think back and wonder how I could have been so naive thinking that everything would be fine on that ultrasound!   I guess since everyone around me has healthy babies, I just thought I would too. I thought at least there would have been signs with my pregnancy that would have been a clue that something was so seriously wrong. 

Our playful talks about colleges, sports, and ziplines in the backyard turned into serious and tearful talks about hospitals, surgeries, and survival.  I remember July 5th so clearly because that was when I had to give up so many dreams for Thomas.  Instead of thinking about his high school graduation,  I just wanted to carry him to term. Instead of college, I just wanted him to survive surgery.  Instead of weddings and grandchildren, I just wanted to bring him home. 

At our appointment with the perinatologist that afternoon on July 5th, we were asked for the first of four times if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy.   They told us it would be a hard road....it would be expensive.....and he might die anyway.  We knew that an abortion was never an option for us... we had to give him a chance. 

I love the way Sarah Williams addresses this in Shaming of the Strong: "We felt God the Father speak a message to our hearts as clearly as if he had been talking with us in person. 'Here is a sick and dying child. Will you love it for me and care for it until it dies?"  We were prepared to love Thomas and care for him until he died.....whether that happened in 2 weeks, 2 months, or 80 years.

After Thomas died, someone asked me "Was it worth it? Was it worth it since you only had him for two weeks?"  After I overcame my initial horror at being asked such a question, I immediately answered "yes!"  It would have been worth it if we'd only had him for two hours!

 My heart breaks for all of the new parents receiving scary diagnoses at their ultrasounds.  I wish I could hug them and tell them it will be ok, and that it will be worth all of the heartache and hardship.  These babies are so precious, and so deserving of love.   As hard as it is to lose a child, I doubt any women who have chosen to keep their babies in similar circumstances would say they regret making that choice. 

In my heart the 4th of July has been overshadowed by the 5th of July.  But that's ok.....he was worth it!

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 NLT


As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."  John 9:1-3 NIV