Double Blessings

God is good, and He is funny....
We are expecting TWINS in December!!!

We are overjoyed and overwhelmed and humbled and grateful.  But mostly we are excited!

It's still a little early to say for sure, but they think we are having a boy and a girl.
We would be thrilled with any gender combination, but I think a boy and a girl is going to be wonderful.  

The past two years have been hard, but God has been so faithful.   I look back to how far we have come from the depths of grief to now....and it is truly a miracle.  I can honestly say that God's grace has carried us through the past two years.

"Now to him who is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine, according to his power that is at work within us, to him be glory in the church and in Christ Jesus throughout all generations, forever and ever! Amen!" (Ephesians 3:20-21, NIV)

"Never Once" by Matt Redman

"Scars and struggles on the way,
But with joy our hearts can say,
Never once did we ever walk alone,
Carried by your constant grace,
Held within Your perfect peace,
Never once, no, we never walk alone."

Look who is ready for Christmas!

The Other First Anniversary

Thomas died one year ago tonight.  November 28th, 2011 will always be the worst, most terrifying night of my life.

I have to be honest....today was hard.

It was nice, though, to have a day to plow through the memories and sadness, and to "honor my grief".  The weather was cold and dreary, which was fitting.  I went to the cemetery, looked at pictures, and looked at Thomas's box of things from the hospital.  I also read through the blog for the first time.  I enjoyed reading about the good days, but it was hard to relive the dark days.

It was a hard day, but a good day.  My tears were there, but not constant.  I am so glad that this year of firsts is over.  There are no more days to dread.  I can already tell I am feeling calmer.  November will always be a tough month, but at least I will know what to expect.

I am comforted by the fact that my worst night was Thomas's best night.....his first night in heaven.  God is so good, and I am truly amazed when I think about how much healing has occurred in my heart over the past year.  When people ask how we are doing, I can honestly say we are doing well.  God's grace is truly enough for each day.

"The minute I said 'I'm slipping, I'm falling,' your love, God, took hold and held me fast.  When I was upset and beside myself, you calmed me down and cheered me up."
Psalm 94:18-19 The Message

"This is what is compelling about the cross: its two aspects of suffering and glory.  Christ suffered in the extreme for us, and by his suffering he assured that two things will happen to our suffering: First, it will have meaning when linked through prayer to the cross.  Second, it will be over.  A better day is coming: new heavens and a new earth, new bodies, unbent, unbroken, unstained by tears.  This is our hope.  We are not meant for death and sorrow but for life and joy." A Grief Unveiled, Gregory Floyd

First Birthday

Thomas was born a year ago today!  It's crazy to think our sweet boy would have been one!

We have decided that even though we are sad he's not here, we are going to celebrate today.  We are going to celebrate the birth of our first child, our only son.  We are going to be grateful for that precious baby who made us parents.  His two weeks were a gift, and for that we are thankful.

While I have been anxious in anticipation of today, I have felt a peace that only God can give.   I have been overwhelmed by all of the emails, texts, cards, and thoughtful gifts.  Thank you for blessing us, and thank you for celebrating Thomas's sweet life with us.

I have been able to smile and laugh a little today too, which has been good.   And of course I have cried.  How could you tie birthday balloons to your child's gravestone without crying?   We were able to find humor in the awfulness of it all, though.  I was trying to take a picture, and TJ was trying to wrangle the balloons in the wind.  We were fussing trying to get things "just right," like we probably would at a real birthday party.   It was one of those "What on earth are we doing? Whose life is this, again?" moments.

But its ok. This is our family, and this is our story.  And we are so proud to have Thomas as a part of it!

"Our hearts ache, but we always have joy." 2 Corinthians 6:10, NLT

(Bitter)Sweet November

How in the world has it almost been a YEAR?

Last year was focused on November as we faced Thomas's birth with excitement, hope, and fear.
This year I've been focusing on November, but with dread instead of excitement.

I think my biggest fear of November is the unknown.  I don't know how I'm going to feel.  I may be a basketcase or I may be fine.   Probably a little mix of both, fluctuating without warning. (I have a tendency to be "fragile," if you ask my husband!) I have come so far from those dark early days and weeks of grief.  I'm scared to "go there" again, because it really, really hurts.  Obviously some days will be harder than others.   So far the days leading up to a big day have been worse than the actual day, and I hope that holds true as we face the first anniversary of our two weeks with Thomas.

While I am nervous for myself  for November, I can say that I am at peace with Thomas's part in the story of our lives.  That sweet baby was the biggest blessing I have ever received in my life.  Even though I am a bit of a wreck now because of it all, it is ok.  November will always be a special month to me.


So for now, I would appreciate your prayers for me, and your patience with me.
Please pray for peace for our hearts and for continued healing.
Please be patient with me as we face this hard time of year.  I may be a wreck.  I may not return calls or emails in a timely manner.  I may update the blog, and I may not.  I'll probably be a bad friend.  I may want to talk about it, and I may not.  I'm not making any plans for November because the thought of anything extra (besides work) makes me feel overwhelmed and panicky. I'm going to need time to be by myself.

I love this passage from Lament for a Son by Nicholas Wolterstorff:

"'Put your hand into my wounds,' said the risen Jesus to Thomas, 'and you will know who I am.' The wounds of Christ are his identity. They tell us who he is. He did not lose them. They went down into the grave with him and they came up with him- visible, tangible, palpable.  Rising did not remove them.  He, who broke the bonds of death kept his wounds.

To believe in Christ's rising from the grave is to accept it as a sign of our own rising from our graves.  If for each of us it was our destiny to be obliterated, and for all of us together it was our destiny to fade away without a trace, then not Christ's rising but my dear son's early dying would be the logo of our fate.

Slowly I begin to see that there is something more as well.  To believe in Christ's rising and death's dying is also to live with the power and the challenge to rise up now from all our dark graves of suffering love.  If sympathy for the world's wounds is not enlarged by our anguish, if love for those around us is not expanded, if gratitude for what is good does not flame up, if insight is not deepened, if commitment to what is important is not strengthened, if aching for a new day is not intensified, if hope is weakened and faith diminished, if from the experience of death comes nothing good, then death has won.  Then death, be proud.

So I shall struggle to live the reality of Christ's rising and death's dying.  In my living, my son's dying will not be the last word.  But as I rise up, I bear the wounds of his death.  My rising does not remove them. They mark me. If you want to know who I am, put your hand in."

Thank you all for grieving with me, and for not being afraid to "put your hands in."

The Last Big Thing

I arrived at the cemetery yesterday to a nice surprise- Thomas's gravestone had been set!  Picking out the stone was the last big thing on the list of dreadful tasks we have had to do over the past nine months.  I'm so relieved to have it done!

Initially I could barely handle going to the cemetery, much less pick out a gravestone.  It all seemed too cold, too hard, and too final.  Now the cemetery is part of my routine, and I go 2-3 times a week.  I keep flowers by Thomas's grave, so I usually go visit and water them.   Over the past few weeks my perspective has shifted.  Instead of being upset about picking out a gravestone, I was upset that he didn't have one yet!  This whole grieving process is such a roller coaster!

I think I'm as pleased as I ever could be with a gravestone belonging to my baby.  I love it.  Our family stone will be ready in the next few months, and I'm looking forward to that, too.

The verse we chose for Thomas's epitaph is "I, the Lord, made you, and I will not forget you." Isaiah 44:21 (NLT).  The Lord had a hand in every minute of Thomas's life, just as He does in ours.

The 5th of July

This time last year I was enjoying a wonderfully easy pregnancy.  We were so excited about Thomas! We were working on his nursery and dreaming about his future.

I remember July 5th vividly.....down to what I was wearing. The workmen had come to hang a fan in the nursery that morning.  TJ came home from work to pick me up so we could ride together to our 20 week ultrasound.  My Mom was going to meet us there....she had really wanted to see Thomas in an ultrasound so I had invited her along.   I remember TJ's comment that he was nervous before we left.  I blew it off...being nervous hadn't crossed my mind.  This was unusual since I'm the worrier of the relationship, but I was just excited to see more pictures of our baby.

We went in for our ultrasound, and things were progressing as usual, initially.  I started to notice a discrepancy between his size and my dates, however.  Then I noticed the tech spending a long time on his heart.  I asked what was wrong, and she said she was having trouble finding a four-chamber view of his heart.  She called for my doctor, and I started to panic.  We were given our preliminary diagnosis of Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome, and were scheduled to see the perinatologist (high risk OB) later that day.

I think back and wonder how I could have been so naive thinking that everything would be fine on that ultrasound!   I guess since everyone around me has healthy babies, I just thought I would too. I thought at least there would have been signs with my pregnancy that would have been a clue that something was so seriously wrong. 

Our playful talks about colleges, sports, and ziplines in the backyard turned into serious and tearful talks about hospitals, surgeries, and survival.  I remember July 5th so clearly because that was when I had to give up so many dreams for Thomas.  Instead of thinking about his high school graduation,  I just wanted to carry him to term. Instead of college, I just wanted him to survive surgery.  Instead of weddings and grandchildren, I just wanted to bring him home. 

At our appointment with the perinatologist that afternoon on July 5th, we were asked for the first of four times if we wanted to terminate the pregnancy.   They told us it would be a hard road....it would be expensive.....and he might die anyway.  We knew that an abortion was never an option for us... we had to give him a chance. 

I love the way Sarah Williams addresses this in Shaming of the Strong: "We felt God the Father speak a message to our hearts as clearly as if he had been talking with us in person. 'Here is a sick and dying child. Will you love it for me and care for it until it dies?"  We were prepared to love Thomas and care for him until he died.....whether that happened in 2 weeks, 2 months, or 80 years.

After Thomas died, someone asked me "Was it worth it? Was it worth it since you only had him for two weeks?"  After I overcame my initial horror at being asked such a question, I immediately answered "yes!"  It would have been worth it if we'd only had him for two hours!

 My heart breaks for all of the new parents receiving scary diagnoses at their ultrasounds.  I wish I could hug them and tell them it will be ok, and that it will be worth all of the heartache and hardship.  These babies are so precious, and so deserving of love.   As hard as it is to lose a child, I doubt any women who have chosen to keep their babies in similar circumstances would say they regret making that choice. 

In my heart the 4th of July has been overshadowed by the 5th of July.  But that's ok.....he was worth it!

 "For I know the plans I have for you,” says the Lord. “They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." Jeremiah 29:11 NLT


As he went along, he saw a man blind from birth.  His disciples asked him, “Rabbi, who sinned, this man or his parents, that he was born blind?” “Neither this man nor his parents sinned,” said Jesus, “but this happened so that the works of God might be displayed in him."  John 9:1-3 NIV