Christmas

I had prayed that we would all be home for Christmas.  We are....just not in the way I had hoped.  
Thomas is at home in heaven.
We are here celebrating Christmas....and missing our baby.

I was reading the Christmas story from Luke this morning.  I love where it says "the radiance of the Lord's glory surrounded them" (verse 9).  A new friend of mine who lost her baby Samuel two years ago encouraged me to picture a happy and healthy Thomas celebrating Christmas in heaven.  I like to think of him at the feet of Jesus, surrounded by angels and the "radiance of the Lord's glory." 

Hopeful Grieving

I am writing this post sitting in the chair in Thomas's nursery with his little owl. Even though he never came home to this room, I feel closer to him in here...probably because I would sit here and talk to him and pray for him when I was pregnant.

I miss Thomas. I miss him so much that it hurts. At times I will be so overcome with grief I will feel lightheaded and short of breath.

If I were to give in to my feelings, I would likely be in bed with the covers over my head for the rest of my life. Instead, I am allowing myself moments to be sad, but am trying to move forward.

I know God made Thomas for a purpose, and gave him to me for a reason.
I also know that He took him away after only 14 days for a purpose.
I don't understand why his life was so short, but I do know I am thankful for those two weeks with Thomas.
I am so grateful that he is healthy in heaven, and is waiting for me there.

It's not going to take away the pain, but the promise of heaven and knowing that my baby is part of a bigger plan make it possible to wake up each day and put one foot in front of the other.

"Hope is symbolized in Christian iconography by an anchor. And what does an anchor do? It keeps the ship on course when wind and waves rage against it. But the anchor of hope is sunk in heaven, not on earth." Gregory Floyd (A Grief Unveiled)

"Faith is to believe what we do not see; the reward of this faith is to see what we believe."
St. Augustine

Yum

We brought all of Thomas's frozen milk to his cousin Connor in Rhode Island.....and he loves it!

Owls

Thomas loved owls.
He also loved light blue, green, birds, and nests.
(ok.....so maybe his mom loves these things...but he did too)

We put up a Christmas tree and hung stockings, and I made sure to include some sweet reminders of Thomas.  His stocking is hanging next to ours, and each of the owl ornaments was hung with him in mind.  He is in our thoughts constantly, and we miss him so much.

"I thank my God every time I remember you." Phil 1:3 (NIV)

What Now?

As we sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee this morning, TJ and I found ourselves asking the question "what now?"  How can things seem so normal, when in reality they will never be the same?  We buried our baby yesterday......how can we just be sitting here like nothing happened?

The past 8-9 months have been a mix of excitement, eager anticipation, and nervousness for the arrival of our baby boy. We loved planning for him! My limited free time over the past few months has been filled in a frenzy of "getting ready for Thomas!"

All of a sudden it is over, and we find ourselves at home.  Things are just as we left them before we left for Atlanta....before Thomas.   The dog needs to be walked, the laundry needs to be done.  Thomas's carseat is upstairs in his nursery, and his diaper bag is packed and ready for the trip that we won't be making back to Savannah.  Its just not right.  What do I do with myself now....now that my focus for most of the past year is gone?

I want to grieve for my baby.  I don't want to pretend like the past three weeks didn't happen.  In a strange way, though, I feel guilty when I find myself distracted or when I find myself doing something like I would a month ago.   Mundane things like fixing coffee or making the bed. They feel the same as they felt a month ago......but they shouldn't....because nothing will ever be the same again.  I am a mother now and TJ is a father.  Thomas was here, and now he's not.

It is hard. My heart aches for my sweet baby.  I miss him desperately. I loved being pregnant with him. He was wild in the mornings and at 3am, and he always had the hiccups.   I will cherish those memories, as well as the ones from Atlanta.  I want to remember everything about Thomas. I am so afraid I am going to forget something because the past few weeks feel like such a blur.  

I know that Thomas is now healed and won't have to suffer anymore.  I know that if I could see him in heaven,  I would never want to bring him back to this broken world.   I know these truths in my head.....but my heart still hurts.

TJ and I will be ok, but our own healing is going to be a longer process. 

We are thankful for this promise:
"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace." Luke 1:78-79 (MSG)

I think our "what now" is just going to be putting one foot in front of the other,  taking one day at a time,  and waiting for the sunrise.

Yesterday

We buried our baby boy yesterday.
We buried our sweet Thomas. 

I thought the service was beautiful.  It was a gorgeous day with blue skies. The flowers were so pretty. Ken and Rick blessed us with their words and did a wonderful job honoring our boy. As Rick said, we were surrounded by the body of Christ and were comforted with each word and hug.

The presence of our friends and family meant more to us than anyone will ever know. We have been overwhelmed by everyone's love and support.   Every hug, card, meal, and flower arrangement has been a blessing to us.  We hope and pray that this is the hardest thing we will ever face.....and we are so grateful that we aren't going through it alone.  

"You're blessed when you feel you've lost what is most dear to you.  Only then can you be embraced by the One most dear to you."  Matthew 5:4 (MSG)

Services

A graveside service celebrating our precious Thomas's life will be held at 11am on Saturday, December 3rd at Bonaventure Cemetery.  All are welcome.

"Yes, we are fully confident,  and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord." (2 Corinthians 5:8 NLT)