Dear Thomas,
It is hard to believe that I held your little hand for the last time two months ago tonight. It was also the first time I got to bathe you, dress you, and hold you without wires and tubes.
I have never been so scared in my life as I was that night, Thomas. I couldn't believe it was happening. The doctors and nurses working on you were able to fix just about anything....but they couldn't fix you. They couldn't bring you back.
Looking back on that night, I now understand why. God gave you to us for fourteen days. Those days were written before you were born. It was your time to go, despite the doctors and nurses who worked so hard to save you. It seems like it may have been easier if we'd known we would only have you for two weeks. It was painful to lose you, and to lose the hopes and dreams we had for you.
It is so hard to think about that last night, Thomas. I usually can't think or talk about it without crying. I have to remind myself that you don't remember it like I do. The most traumatic night of my life was your first night in heaven. It was a beautiful night for you, and I am so thankful for that.
You are part of a bigger story, Thomas. God has redeemed your two weeks, your broken body, your life-cut-short. He is also redeeming our own hurt, sorrow, and tears. He is showing us over and over again that He is good, and faithful, and true to his word.
Losing you has put our broken world into perspective for me. This isn't how God intended it to be....babies aren't supposed to die. We are anxiously waiting for the day when things will be made right again.
"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever." (Revelation 21:4 NLT)
"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me. Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows. But take heart, because I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NLT)
Oh Melissa, please know that I still pray daily for you and TJ and I think about Thomas many times each day. I pray for God to ease your pain and heal your hearts, and I thank God for giving you Thomas for those few days, even though it wasn't long. Much love and many prayers....
ReplyDeleteMelissa-Your post brings tears to my eye's, knowing that I did the same thing a little while before you, I know exactly what you are remembering and how deep it the pain is felt. It cuts like a knife and yet is so sweet to know we had that opportunity to finally bath and hold our babies. My prayers and thoughts are with you! Thank heaven for scriptures and the faith that we are carried through our heart breaking trials!
DeleteBeautiful and so very true. God loves you so very much, Melissa.
ReplyDeleteMelissa. These are beautiful and true words. You are right, babies are not supposed to die...and that is why there is heaven. Where all things will be made right. Love you and pray that each day brings new strength and peace to your heart.
ReplyDeleteDr. Behm, I pray and think of you and TJ daily. Your strength and faith in these awful times of grief truly inspire and astound me.
ReplyDeleteMy son's 2nd grade teacher, who was only 35 and had 3 small children, passed away in November. I believe with all my faith that Suzanne (along with God)is cradling Thomas in her arms and shining her bright light (that was also extinguished too early) upon him. That image gives me some peace and I hope it provides you with a comforting image.
My prayers continue for you and TJ.
Lacy Lewis
Dr. Behm,
ReplyDeleteYou are such a pillar of strength. God has richly blessed me by watching you. Each day I pray for your healing and that you and your husband will find peace and comfort during this time. Reading your posts are gut and heart wrenching, but such a reminder of the reasons to be grateful for the abundant blessings all around me. Thank you for sharing your strength, faith, and even greif with us. You are amazing.
"The LORD bless you and keep you; The LORD make His face shine upon you, And be gracious to you; The LORD lift up His countenance upon you, And give you peace."
Numbers 6:24-26
Lindsey Barr
Melissa,
ReplyDeleteWe continue to pray for you and T. J. daily. I continue to be amazed at the way you lean on God to be your strength. And I love how His word fits perfectly in each and every post.
Love, Kim Rowland
Dr. Behm,
ReplyDeleteI am in awe of your willingness to share. God's purpose for you, TJ and Thomas is to reach out to others and share God's glory. Thank you for your obedience and I pray for continued healing for you and TJ. ~lm
"...Don’t be sad because the joy you have in the Lord is your strength.” Nehemiah 8:10
Dr. Behm,
ReplyDeleteThis is such a beautiful and touching letter to your son. I know that he felt nothing but love from you during his two weeks here and that he continues to feel your love now. I think that you are right, babies are not supposed to die. I beleive that God gives us the chance to heal our sick, and when we cannot, he does. I pray that the knowledge continues to grow and that one day these conditions can be cured. It was nice to see you at our appointment this week. You are an amazing person and we are so happy and blessed to have you taking care of our babies. We continue to keep you close in our thoughts and prayers.
H. Lambros
I too lost a baby boy (due to an infection not CHD) and buried him after only two days on this Earth and can't wait to be reunited with him in Heaven. I stumbled upon your blog and my heart knows your pain at having an empty nursery and having friends who didn't know stop you and say "Congrats". I just wanted to say that even though I am a stranger to you and your family. I pray for your comfort and peace. May God grant you strength as you face the life ahead without Thomas with you here on Earth. Know that your story has strengthened me.
ReplyDelete