First Father's Day

Happy Father's Day TJ!
Thanks for being such a wonderful father to Thomas!!!

"The Lord is like a father to his children, tender and compassionate to those who fear him."
(Psalm 103:13 NLT)

I Don't Understand

A friend of mine lost her baby girl in 2011 after a four month battle with some serious health issues, including congenital heart disease.   They just welcomed a new baby, Keira, into the world ten weeks ago.   She is so precious!  It hasn't been an easy ten weeks, however, but so far none of her specialists have been able to figure out what is going on. 

Finally....today, they learned what is causing Keira's feeding problems.  She has pulmonary vein stenosis and pulmonary hypertension.  To use my friend's words: "Both are extremely rare diseases, both are progressive, both "fatal". No medicine or surgery has been known to help."

Needless to say, my heart is broken for them.  And yes, I'm angry.

I don't understand this, but we are not promised understanding.  I don't think its fair, but we are not promised fair.   We are not promised long, healthy, easy lives here on earth, but we are promised lives without "death or sorrow or crying or pain" in heaven (Rev 21:4).

To quote our wonderful grief counselor, Gina Roes:"Planet Earth is hard."  It is situations like this that make me long for heaven even more.

Please join me in praying for baby Keira and her family.  I'm praying for a miracle, and I'm praying for healing for her heart and lungs. I'm praying for wisdom for her doctors.  I'm praying for peace for her parents, and for strength for their marriage as they face this nightmare AGAIN.  I'm praying for her big brother as he tries to understand what on earth is going on here.  And I'm praying that God will be glorified through Keira's life, and through the faithfulness of her parents.

"I have refined you, but not as silver is refined.  Rather, I have refined you in the furnace of suffering."  Isaiah 48:10 NLT

How can a good God allow suffering?

My sister's church in Rhode Island has been doing a sermon series dealing with tough questions.  Last weekend they addressed a question that we have all asked at some point: "How can a good God allow suffering?"  My sister's pastor, Jerry Dusenberry,  asked if he could use Thomas's story as part of this sermon, as the death of an innocent baby is a pretty obvious example of seemingly senseless suffering.  He had followed along on our journey with Thomas, and had prayed for his healing.  Of course we told him we would be honored! My sister read several of our blog posts, and several excerpts were combined into the video below which was played at the end of the sermon.  The sermon is excellent, and it talks about how suffering is a result of sin (not a result of my personal sin, but "big picture sin" affecting me on a very personal level).  Our suffering isn't senseless, and God uses all of it for His greater purpose.  We may not see it at the time, but our suffering is part of a story much larger than our own.

"We don't yet see things clearly. We're squinting in a fog, peering through a mist. But it won't be long before the weather clears and the sun shines bright! We'll see it all then, see it all as clearly as God sees us, knowing him directly just as he knows us!" 1 Corinthians 13:12 (The Message)

We're still here!

I can't believe its been over a month since I've written anything.  Time has flown by. There are a few reasons for my lack of writing:
1) I don't really like to write
2) We've been busy
3) Our lives are not very exciting

I didn't think anyone would want to hear about how I wake up, go to work, and then catch up on notes each day until its time to go to bed.  I would also be horrified if anyone knew that we were very content to stay home last weekend and watch the Ninja Warrior marathon on tv (don't judge until you've seen it- its addicting!)  We have done a few fun things- we spent a weekend in Hilton Head with some of our best friends from Greenville, and we have had some good visits with family and friends.  I am  thankful for springtime- the blooming flowers, longer days, and beautiful weather have been good for my heart.
Sad moments creep up on us (and they always will), but we are able to smile, laugh, and get through each day.  

I read this quote the other day, and I love it:

"Christ is building His kingdom with earth's broken things.  Men want only the strong, the successful, the victorious, the unbroken, in building their kingdoms; but God is the God of the unsuccessful, of those who have failed.  Heaven is filling with earth's broken lives, and there is no bruised reed that Christ cannot take and restore to glorious blessedness and beauty.  He can take the life crushed by pain or sorrow and make it into a harp whose music shall be all praise.  He can lift earth's saddest failure up to heaven's glory." (JR Miller in Streams in the Desert)

I had to read it a few times initially, and I have read it a few times a day since.  
My heart is still broken, and that little piece belonging to Thomas will always be missing.  God is using our hurt, our tears, and Thomas's broken little body. He is using Thomas's two weeks to help people see their blessings, be better parents, and trust His plan in good and bad times.  He is healing our hearts, and He is making our story of sorrow and pain a beautiful one.

"Accept the way God does things, for who can straighten what he has made crooked?" (Ecclesiastes 7:13 NLT)

"He has made everything beautiful in its time.  He has also set eternity in the human heart; yet no one can fathom what God has done from beginning to end." (Ecclesiastes 3:11 TNIV)

Overwhelmed

If I had to sum up how I've been feeling over the past two weeks, it would be "overwhelmed."

It is definitely winter at work even though it has been 75 degrees outside.  I enjoy it, but it means late nights and busy weekends.   As crazy as it can be, I have always handled it pretty well in the past.  After all, it is just a season. Now, in the context of grieving Thomas, some days it just seems to be too much.  Life in general is busy and I find it much more exhausting than ever before.  I haven't been able to get back into a routine or rhythm. 

It has left precious little quiet time just for me.  In the first few weeks after Thomas died, I was afraid to be alone and still.  That was when my mind floated back to images I didn't want to remember, what-if's, and what-now's.  Now I crave that quiet, alone time.  It gives me a chance to remember, grieve, and heal. It gives me a chance to pray and draw closer to Jesus, the source of strength and healing.  I have found that I need that time every day.   My tears are always just under the surface.  If I miss that time they just build up, and I find myself feeling frenzied and overwhelmed.

 I am learning that scheduling my "me time" is more important than most of the household tasks I have hanging over my head.  The ironing pile isn't going anywhere,  the mail pile on the counter can wait, and my husband isn't starving thanks to the generous stash of casseroles in our freezer.

Our grief is still fresh.  Like winter, I know that this is a season too.   I am often reminded how I felt on December 4th.....everything seems just like it was before Thomas, only nothing is the same.   I'm still figuring out my new normal. I don't just crave that quiet time, I need it to restore my soul.  

I love this verse from In the Secret of His Presence by Sandra McCracken, written by Ellen Goreh:

"Only this I know:  I tell Him
All my doubts, my griefs, and fears;
Oh, how patiently He listens!
And my sorrowed soul He cheers."

Here's the whole song:

 "The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength.  You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."(Isaiah 58:11 NLT)

The Faces of CHD

Congenital Heart Disease (CHD) Awareness week is February 7-14, 2012.
Statistics show that heart defects are the #1 birth defect in the United States, and about 1% of babies are affected.  These defects are also the leading cause of infant death from birth defects.

Since I realized I would be a "heart mom" in July, it seems like other affected families have come out of nowhere to share their stories and offer support.  Congenital heart disease affects so many families, and shouldn't be taken for granted.

In order to help raise awareness, Ruth has started a board on Pinterest dedicated to the "Faces of CHD."  Pinterest is a very neat, very addicting website that allows you to "pin" things that interest you on the web.  You can find everything from recipes, craft projects, home decorating ideas, and just about anything else.  Sharing the stories of families who have been affected by CHD will help bring awareness to many people who might not realize how common and serious this really is.   Thanks for your support!

Two Months Later

Dear Thomas,

It is hard to believe that I held your little hand for the last time two months ago tonight.  It was also the first time I got to bathe you, dress you, and hold you without wires and tubes.

I have never been so scared in my life as I was that night, Thomas.  I couldn't believe it was happening.  The doctors and nurses working on you were able to fix just about anything....but they couldn't fix you.  They couldn't bring you back.

Looking back on that night, I now understand why.  God gave you to us for fourteen days.  Those days were written before you were born.  It was your time to go, despite the doctors and nurses who worked so hard to save you.  It seems like it may have been easier  if we'd known we would only have you for two weeks.  It was painful to lose you, and to lose the hopes and dreams we had for you.

It is so hard to think about that last night, Thomas. I usually can't think or talk about it without crying.  I have to remind myself that you don't remember it like I do.  The most traumatic night of my life was your first night in heaven.  It was a beautiful night for you, and I am so thankful for that.

You are part of a bigger story, Thomas.  God has redeemed your two weeks, your broken body, your life-cut-short.  He is also redeeming our own hurt, sorrow, and tears.  He is showing us over and over again that He is good, and faithful, and true to his word.  

Losing you has put our broken world into perspective for me.   This isn't how God intended it to be....babies aren't supposed to die.   We are anxiously waiting for the day when things will be made right again.

"He will wipe every tear from their eyes, and there will be no more death or sorrow or crying or pain. All these things are gone forever."   (Revelation 21:4 NLT)

"I have told you all this so that you may have peace in me.  Here on earth you will have many trials and sorrows.  But take heart, because I have overcome the world." (John 16:33 NLT)