If I had to sum up how I've been feeling over the past two weeks, it would be "overwhelmed."
It is definitely winter at work even though it has been 75 degrees outside. I enjoy it, but it means late nights and busy weekends. As crazy as it can be, I have always handled it pretty well in the past. After all, it is just a season. Now, in the context of grieving Thomas, some days it just seems to be too much. Life in general is busy and I find it much more exhausting than ever before. I haven't been able to get back into a routine or rhythm.
It has left precious little quiet time just for me. In the first few weeks after Thomas died, I was afraid to be alone and still. That was when my mind floated back to images I didn't want to remember, what-if's, and what-now's. Now I crave that quiet, alone time. It gives me a chance to remember, grieve, and heal. It gives me a chance to pray and draw closer to Jesus, the source of strength and healing. I have found that I need that time every day. My tears are always just under the surface. If I miss that time they just build up, and I find myself feeling frenzied and overwhelmed.
I am learning that scheduling my "me time" is more important than most of the household tasks I have hanging over my head. The ironing pile isn't going anywhere, the mail pile on the counter can wait, and my husband isn't starving thanks to the generous stash of casseroles in our freezer.
Our grief is still fresh. Like winter, I know that this is a season too. I am often reminded how I felt on December 4th.....everything seems just like it was before Thomas, only nothing is the same. I'm still figuring out my new normal. I don't just crave that quiet time, I need it to restore my soul.
I love this verse from In the Secret of His Presence by Sandra McCracken, written by Ellen Goreh:
"Only this I know: I tell Him
All my doubts, my griefs, and fears;
Oh, how patiently He listens!
And my sorrowed soul He cheers."
Here's the whole song:
"The LORD will guide you continually, giving you water when you are dry and restoring your strength. You will be like a well-watered garden, like an ever-flowing spring."(Isaiah 58:11 NLT)