I've been more sad than usual. My heart has been heavy, and I've felt that knot in my stomach that I had the whole time Thomas was in the hospital.
Thomas would have been two months old yesterday. He would be smiling, cooing, and laughing by now, and I'm sad I won't get to see that. I think each of these little "birthdays" are going to be hard for me. All of the two month olds are coming in for their checkups now, too. While I love seeing them, it is hard as well. As time goes by it will get easier, and this little group of babies born around Thomas's birthday will always be special to me.
Being back at work has been good for me, for the most part. I love my job, and I have missed my patients and coworkers. It has also been a good distraction, as our house just seems too quiet. Most people know about Thomas, and they have been sweet about giving me a hug or telling me they've been thinking about me. Of course there have been a few awkward encounters where people didn't know and have excitedly shouted out "Congratulations!" when they saw me. I usually cry as I tell them about him, and they cry with me. I am grateful for every acknowledgement of my baby's life. I appreciate that they care enough to congratulate me and care enough to cry with me.
Being back at work has also been draining, though. I'm out of the habit of long days, and am slowly getting used to it again. While I love talking about Thomas, I have to do it about thirty times a day. Its often hard to keep myself together, keep my head clear, and focus on work. I've realized I need to block out time for myself at night and on the weekends to just let myself be sad.
Yesterday and today I went out to the cemetery and just sat and cried and prayed. The weather was beautiful, and the cemetery was so peaceful. The sun was shining on the water, the birds were singing, and the wind was blowing through the giant oaks covered with Spanish moss.
I miss my little buddy.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. " Psalm 56:8
Prayers and thoughts of strength and healing for you, TJ, and extended family. You are such an inspriation, Melissa.
ReplyDeleteLove,
Dana Putnam Burkhart
Melissa, I know the days are hard and there will be sad days, weeks and I am thinking of you and TJ. I hope that in time GOD will heal your heart. AS u say it so honestly, U have had a tough week- Those are to be expected. I am so sorry that you are having these days, but just know u are loved by many, prayed for by friends and family, and GOD is on your side. He will walk with you every step -- I trust you will feel his hand in yours as you and TJ heal-- I love u
ReplyDeleteOh, Melissa, that picture breaks my heart. Poor little guy.
ReplyDeleteStill thinking of you and TJ every day.
Love,
Karen Gates
I am crying for you right now and spending some time praying for you . . . I can't even imagine how hard that is for you guys, I'm praying Jesus continues to offer you peace and bathes you in His comfort.
ReplyDeleteI am crying with you as well. I think of you, TJ,and Thomas many times daily. I am thankful that you have a sound perspective and gracefully handle those encounters, because they do care about your family. It's ok to cry, and it's ok to be honest. I pray daily for your heart to heal. Much love and many, many prayers.
ReplyDeleteI too am crying with you! I can't seem to read your posts without my heart breaking all over again for you and TJ. Thomas' life continues to be an inspiration. A friend of mine just had her baby 10 weeks early and is struggling that she has to leave him at the hospital (for an undetermined amount of time) as she is discharged. When she remembers you it puts things into perspective. The same way I won't complain anymore about my husbands deployments - Thomas' memory is still alive.
ReplyDeleteIm crying too. :(
ReplyDeleteI am really good at saying funny things but when it comes to serious matters of life I end up sitting here staring at the computer screen. All I can come up with is that we are here. When you need/want to talk, cry or even laugh. We are here and you are all loved.
ReplyDeleteI am praying for you so much. I am asking God to give you everything you need for each day -- peace in the sorrow, endurance at work, grace for those who blunder over your loss, patience with those who treat petty concerns as momentous, and comfort as you grieve. I really cannot imagine revisiting your pain 30 times a day with 30+ different people. You are a courageous woman, Melissa.
ReplyDeleteAnd I am praying that each of these hard weeks helps to mend your broken heart. I know your heart will never be fully healed; it will never be the same. It will (and already is) richer, fuller, more completely devoted to the Lord, able to hurt with others in new ways, and more beautiful because of your precious Thomas. Thomas has changed you. But I am praying that the wounds of your heart are gently being tended in God's loving hands, as I know they are. These hard weeks are part of His care for you. I am praying for you as you journey through them.
We love you Mel. Praying that these days will get easier.
ReplyDeleteOh Melissa, my heart aches for you. I am praying for peace and comfort as you move through these difficult days. You are so strong, with every post I am once again in awe of the strength and courage you have shown, and what an amazing testimony you are. (((HUGS)))
ReplyDeleteReading your blog breaks my heart but totally inspires me. You are so strong and faithful, and I know God has big plans for you and your family. I am praying for you all! -Jessica Magnusson
ReplyDeleteLove you Melissa..I cannot imagine what you are going through and we continue to pray for your comfort. You are an amazing woman of GOD, wife and mother. God is using your pain to touch many lives as you set such an incredible example of trusting in Him... - lindsey
ReplyDeleteI am crying for you too. I really can't even begin to imagine your pain. I wish you were still in Easley so I could give you a big hug! I know it wouldn't help your pain though. We're constantly praying. I'm happy being back at work helps you...even if only a little. We love you Dr Behm!
ReplyDeleteMelissa,
ReplyDeleteIt's okay to not be so strong all the time. It's natural and right and necessary to grieve. These are the times Jesus will pick you up and hold you, and carry you. He will heal your heart, in time.
You have a large and loving support team out here, you know... we hold you in our hearts, and our prayers continue to go up for you.
With so much love,
Donna H
Melissa,
DeleteI continue to keep you and T.J. in my prayers daily. Tears flowed as I physically could feel your pain and my heart just broke for you and the week you had to endure. I remember 3 1/2 years ago having to go back to work after Dean died. It is so difficult to go back to doing "life" as it was before, but nothing about "life" is the same. It's hard and painful. God is on this painful journey with you. He will sustain you during this time. He is your strength during this time of weakness. I am so thankful that God placed you during this time in a workplace environment that is full of people who love God and love you. I am praying for your continued healing and a better week. Love, Michelle Harden
Sending prayers your way. So sorry your time with Thomas was brief, but thankful he was able to be apart of your life. My sister only had a hour with her first son, and my sister-in-law had 3 months with her first son before going to heaven. God and time will heal the pain.
ReplyDeleteI hope you know you are not forgotten & are still thought of & lifted up in prayer so often. I have been dealing with just trivial illnesses in my family, but thinking of our fallen world and how soon-- though it seems so long to us--we will be freed of this painful life. Will pray for your work days. You are a wise woman & your testimony of grace & strength is touching more people than you could imagine.
ReplyDeleteLifting you up to our Father who knows our griefs--
Tracy Hays
Melissa - I was so moved by this post. I wondered how it would be going back to work - I can't imagine. This post was amazing - especially the line about you needing to block off time on the nights or weekends to just be sad. I think women as a whole hesitate to block off time for ourselves in general, for the small things - to exercise, to read, to do whatever - to block off time for yourself to grieve is a tough "time slot", but you are right - will most like be as critical for you going forward as blocking off time to go for a run. I had never thought of that, and I can't imagine what you are going through. I am so sad for you, but I hope you know that you are thought of so very often, and loved, and that Thomas will forever be in our hearts. Take your time slot, and know that you are loved.
ReplyDeleteI can't even imagine how hard being at work must be. A constant reminder of your baby boy. I pray for you each and every day and you are constantly on my mind. I pray as time goes by that work will get easier and better.
ReplyDeleteYou are an amazing woman and your faith is incredible. You have made a profound impact on my life and continue to do so with your blog. You have a way with words and are an inspiration.
I'm so sorry last week was so tough. I can't imagine how bittersweet and draining it must be to be back at work. Praying this week is better already. Oh, and I love the slideshow! Thank you so much for sharing so many pictures of your sweet man. :)
ReplyDeleteI just "stumbled upon" your blog today after learning of your loss. You happened to see my little baby girl on this week that you spoke of in this post, I believe. She normally sees Dr. Stone, but he was booked, and we needed to get her in to have her shots. I remember thinking that I thought you were back to work very soon after having your baby. You were so kind and wonderful with my little Lillie, and so gracious toward me and my new mother-hood. I have been grieving for you all day today, and am so inspired by your faith. God is good, and his love never fails. You are in my prayers.
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