As we sat at the kitchen table drinking coffee this morning, TJ and I found ourselves asking the question "what now?" How can things seem so normal, when in reality they will never be the same? We buried our baby yesterday......how can we just be sitting here like nothing happened?
The past 8-9 months have been a mix of excitement, eager anticipation, and nervousness for the arrival of our baby boy. We loved planning for him! My limited free time over the past few months has been filled in a frenzy of "getting ready for Thomas!"
All of a sudden it is over, and we find ourselves at home. Things are just as we left them before we left for Atlanta....before Thomas. The dog needs to be walked, the laundry needs to be done. Thomas's carseat is upstairs in his nursery, and his diaper bag is packed and ready for the trip that we won't be making back to Savannah. Its just not right. What do I do with myself now....now that my focus for most of the past year is gone?
I want to grieve for my baby. I don't want to pretend like the past three weeks didn't happen. In a strange way, though, I feel guilty when I find myself distracted or when I find myself doing something like I would a month ago. Mundane things like fixing coffee or making the bed. They feel the same as they felt a month ago......but they shouldn't....because nothing will ever be the same again. I am a mother now and TJ is a father. Thomas was here, and now he's not.
It is hard. My heart aches for my sweet baby. I miss him desperately. I loved being pregnant with him. He was wild in the mornings and at 3am, and he always had the hiccups. I will cherish those memories, as well as the ones from Atlanta. I want to remember everything about Thomas. I am so afraid I am going to forget something because the past few weeks feel like such a blur.
I know that Thomas is now healed and won't have to suffer anymore. I know that if I could see him in heaven, I would never want to bring him back to this broken world. I know these truths in my head.....but my heart still hurts.
TJ and I will be ok, but our own healing is going to be a longer process.
We are thankful for this promise:
"Through the heartfelt mercies of our God, God's sunrise will break in upon us, shining on those in the darkness, those sitting in the shadow of death, then showing us the way, one foot at a time, down the path of peace." Luke 1:78-79 (MSG)
I think our "what now" is just going to be putting one foot in front of the other, taking one day at a time, and waiting for the sunrise.