This past week has been a hard one for me.
I've been more sad than usual. My heart has been heavy, and I've felt that knot in my stomach that I had the whole time Thomas was in the hospital.
Thomas would have been two months old yesterday. He would be smiling, cooing, and laughing by now, and I'm sad I won't get to see that. I think each of these little "birthdays" are going to be hard for me. All of the two month olds are coming in for their checkups now, too. While I love seeing them, it is hard as well. As time goes by it will get easier, and this little group of babies born around Thomas's birthday will always be special to me.
Being back at work has been good for me, for the most part. I love my job, and I have missed my patients and coworkers. It has also been a good distraction, as our house just seems too quiet. Most people know about Thomas, and they have been sweet about giving me a hug or telling me they've been thinking about me. Of course there have been a few awkward encounters where people didn't know and have excitedly shouted out "Congratulations!" when they saw me. I usually cry as I tell them about him, and they cry with me. I am grateful for every acknowledgement of my baby's life. I appreciate that they care enough to congratulate me and care enough to cry with me.
Being back at work has also been draining, though. I'm out of the habit of long days, and am slowly getting used to it again. While I love talking about Thomas, I have to do it about thirty times a day. Its often hard to keep myself together, keep my head clear, and focus on work. I've realized I need to block out time for myself at night and on the weekends to just let myself be sad.
Yesterday and today I went out to the cemetery and just sat and cried and prayed. The weather was beautiful, and the cemetery was so peaceful. The sun was shining on the water, the birds were singing, and the wind was blowing through the giant oaks covered with Spanish moss.
I miss my little buddy.
"You keep track of all my sorrows. You have collected all my tears in your bottle. You have recorded each one in your book. " Psalm 56:8